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Monday, October 10, 2011

Guerrilla Fatherhood 101

I would like to say that my life is boring compared to the more freewheeling days, however, nothing could be further from the truth.

My son is 13 months old now, and every day his little achievements amaze me. Yesterday when I got home from work, he showed me that he had learned to use and aim a hammer on a nice wooden toy he got from some great friends on his first birthday. A few nights prior, he sat in my lap and turned the pages in the book we held, almost drunkenly slurring the word alligator when we got to the page with the grand reptilian pile captioned "9 Green Aligators".

But what about the Guerilla part you ask?

You guys knew me for my how to guides, and honestly, when I wrote the Guerrilla Camping series, I had more years experience than I now have months as a father. Hell, having read some of the "inspirational parenthood" books out there, I suppose I couldn't do worse with an anarchist approach to fatherhood. So, in true old-school tradition, let me introduce Guerrilla Fatherhood 101.

Guerrilla Fatherhood 101.1 - Oh, F*%K I'm going to be a dad!

Looking down the barrel of fatherhood is at once both exhilarating and daunting. First off, relax and recognize that the patriarch of the Kennedy legacy was a bootlegger. I think the first indicator of a successful father is concern and worry at the impending responsibility of fatherhood. This is good, it shows that you know how serious things are about to get, which means you have your wits about you. If you have your wits about you, you can throw all the books and articles about fatherhood out the window, you'll do fine. If you are reading an ex-hobo's blog for fatherhood advice, I'm going to assume you've done your reading, and thus you're interested enough in your child's welfare to not need a coddling approach.

A Changing Mother

Over nine months your partner is either going to become an almost primal and succulent vision of pure animal fertility and beauty or a fat barfing cow. Know now, that you decide this largely with your own attitude, and striving towards the former will obviously be more enjoyable. Enjoy the curves and lushness while they last, you may not get another opportunity (particularly if you are conscious of the impact our kind has on our planet).

Now is the time to abandon all of your previous conceptions of gender roles. They are all wrong. The ideals of an egalitarian balance between male and female are shattered by parenthood. There is no fair distribution of labor when labor pains and breastfeeding are involved. Mom's are built to nurture our children, and as fathers we must nurture and support our partners and our families as we grow together.

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